These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
