I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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