I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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