What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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