Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
