Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
