He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
