I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
