someone get that fucking seahorse.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
