so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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