I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
