I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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