He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
