So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
