Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
