I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
