Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
