This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
