I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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