Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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