i was born a porn star she said
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
