Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
