i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
