I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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