just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
