My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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