he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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