Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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