my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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