you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
