Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Drunk is a universal language darling
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
