I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
