Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Randomize
