Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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