So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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