I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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