You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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