just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
