so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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