I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
