need another drink. this is the easiest way
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
