It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
