It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You need a sexual gate keeper
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
