This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
