Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
