this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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