people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
