you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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