I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
