I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
